I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize