just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
