Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
As shirtless as possible
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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