I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
