allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
