my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
