I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
