allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
