I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
