i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
