I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
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