What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
