...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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