How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
