and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
