i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
