You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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