Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
