Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
