I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
