I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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