3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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