Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
