I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
