I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
