when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
we're making bets on your personal life
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
