Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We need to get me chipped asap
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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