god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
