just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
