it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
