Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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