I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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