My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
They have beer where we have blood.
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