i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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