She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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