I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
