I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
