You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
if only i could text you this smell
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
