So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
