His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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