Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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