It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize