uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
