apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
