...so i touched it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
