Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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