If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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