so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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