My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
