WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
being pregnant is like rehab
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
