I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
