words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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