My underwear smells like fireworks.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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