it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
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