so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
