You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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