I want to have your abortion
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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